Jesse James

Last night was the first time I had to drive by a wooden cross that meant anything to me. As much as I did not want to stop anywhere near the place my friend had passed away I could no longer drive. Too many tears. It was almost as hard as seeing him in the casket.

Jesse James Ruckman passed away 2-8-11, he was 22 years old. He lost control of his car and I no longer care to repeat the details. They hurt. Although Jesse and I were not extraordinarily close I have known him since we were kids. Once upon a time we were neighbors and he will forever be a hero to me. Many years ago Jesse saved my youngest brother from dying on a road, it doesn't seem fair that one now gets to claim him.

Although this is difficult I know that Jesse would want us all to keep on smiling. He had a special knack for making anyone smile at anytime. He was a great friend and had a heart of gold. RIP Jesse, we love you and we miss you.

Time to Update:

Since my last post I have completed my undergraduate studies and taken the position of summer auditorium manager. I'm still confused about my relationship status, but I guess in the grand scheme of things it's not something I should be worrying about as I'm searching for a job and considering moving.

There you have it, short, sweet, and too the point.
Hopefully I'll have some good news soon. :)

P.S.
I was attacked by a squirrel again, I'm starting to think they really might be conspiring against me! LOL

The Worst Day Since Yesterday

Preview was a disaster.

Things were looking so great last night and then today happened....

I went to class, idk, I guess I'd like to graduate. Not that that's going to happen with a paper two weeks past due date and two failed tests in history. I'm going to be so angry if that's the only thing that keeps me from graduating. Maybe I can take the summer manager position and stay up here while I work, take the class, and get my diploma....

Not the issue at this moment though.

Good Person of Szechwan has been such a great opportunity to see what I can do with lighting. I'd like to say I'm happy with it, I'm not. I didn't get a chance to do my cuing the way I wanted to because so many other things happened. It was bullshit. I couldn't have my cyc down today, opera dropped off all of their stuff in our lobby so it had to go back into the hole.... I had to take help from people that didn't really have time to give it to me. I feel like I've been a week behind on this design for the past month. It feels like everything that could possibly go wrong has. Most of those things have been outside of my control. I've been looking for that happy balance between school work and productions and I ALMOST FOUND IT. But then I ended up running what felt like at least half of every call when it wasn't my job.

I hate feeling like I'm being told that my cuing has priority but then I never get it. I don't want to be a bitch and demand it. I feel like I don't know enough and that I'm not aggressive enough to accomplish what I want. I don't like to get aggressive because once I do it's hard to pull back. And I feel like I'm being told to be aggressive, yet not get an attitude. I wish a few other people would have their attitude put into check, or at least brought into question. Why does the fight always have to be my fault?

Anyhow, per Lucas' request I'm going to go stop thinking about the show, get a hot shower, and go to sleep. I'm half way breathing now....I couldn't earlier....

I love theatre, it doesn't love me...

Two More Weeks

I'm sitting in the studio starring at my set. I'm distracted from my homework because I'm wondering how all of the final pieces will appear by tomorrow, how I'm going to fix things w/my actors when one couldn't show up for rehearsal this afternoon, and how our first tech rehearsal is going to go tonight....

I'm also distracted by thoughts of car shopping, the things in my price range thus far have not been so promising. I wish I had an extra thou to throw on top of the settlement, that would boost the quality of my options incredibly.

I'm also thinking about the mound of work again, I managed to tackle things much more efficiently at home. Does actually being in Indy really stress me out THAT much? I don't get it...changing location should not change my ability to tackle one problem at a time.

Okay, finished whining, maybe I can focus now...

Bang'em up

Never in my life have I been more terrified than in the 2 seconds it took Billy to respond to me after we were hit head on Saturday night.

We were on our way home from Batesville, heading down 229 around 7pm. I came around a bend just outside of Peppertown to find oncoming traffic in my lane. I remember slamming on the brakes and white; the air bags obstructed my view.

We are very lucky, I was the only one injured. My ankle is sprained with some small tears in a couple of the ligaments, that's all! It's amazing how much a car doesn't matter when you're little brother is okay and you walk out alive.

Possible Changes

The University has created a new position; I'm applying and seriously considering the job. If I were to be hired I would be managing the Wheeler Arts Center's theatre. This includes lighting, sound, and maintaining the space. I've talked to Fritz, he thinks I can handle the job and suggests I at least apply.

This leads to my first set of major questions: Could I take on this position and still keep my position as a student manager? Do I want a second job? I need the money, but do I have the time?
Second set of major questions: Which job would benefit me most? Where can I learn the most? Would I have to run Wheeler's events and if so would they fit into my schedule?

In my ideal world I would be able to have both jobs. Wheeler could teach me new management skills and let me put my knowledge of areas outside of lighting to a greater use. UIndy offers technology that Wheeler could never come close to, therefore I have a lot left to learn as a student manager. Ransburg has all digital boards, something I'll need to know how to run if I do get into the professional world. Wheeler is all analogue, I know basic analogue functions for both sound and light, but it is still a good skill set to master. I would have to learn another way of cabling, etc, etc, etc.

If nothing happens else happens this position opening has prompted me to ask Fritz A LOT of questions and he's given me great answers. Example: I now have a much better understanding of how a dimmer functions.

So, as everything stands now, I will be applying for the job. IF they do call me in for an interview and consider hiring me I do not know if I will take the position. I have more questions about this position than I have ever had for an employer. The job description is vague, Fritz has led me to believe this is because the University doesn't know exactly what it wants yet. I'd like to visually see what I'd be getting myself into so I'm going to email Ryan (the alum that I believe would be in charge of hiring me) to see if I can set up a tour of the facility.

I Resign...

I hereby tender my resignation as an adult. I want to accept the responsibilities of and 8 year-old again...to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day. I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you upset. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So......here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause....
"Tag! You're it."


-Author unknown